Golf Jokes–Learning to play golf

My wife says to me one day “Ain’t it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are playin’?”

So I go next door and ask my neighbor “Can you teach me to play golf?”

He: “Sure. Have you got some balls and a discount golf club?”

Me: “?…..of course. Why?”

He: “Well bring’em to the club house tomorrow and we’ll Tee-off.”

Me: “Tee-off? Whats this Tee-off?”

He: “Oh, its just a golf term and we’ll Tee-off right next to the clubhouse.”

Me: “Look, you Tee-off where ever you want to but I’ll Tee-off in private if you don’t mind.”

He: “(chuckle) No no, a Tee’s that little thing about the size of your little finger.”

Me: (them damn women been talk’n again)

He: “Look, the first thing you do is stick your Tee in the ground and put your TaylorMade R9 Forged Irons on top of it.”

Me: “Oh, this is sit down game?”

He: “No, you’re standing up when you put your ball on the Tee.”

Me: “Isn’t that strechin’ things a bit far?”

He: “No. You got a bag to go along with your balls’n clubs?”

Me: “?…..of course. Why?”

He: “Zippered bag or velcro?”

Me: “?………..neither.”

He: “Oh, well how do you hold your discount golf club?”

Me: “Two fingers.”

He: “No, no. That’s not right. Look, let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I’ll put my arms around you and show you how to swing.”

Me: “Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind.”

He: “O.K., look, you take your discount golf club and swing it over your shoulder…”

Me: “No, no, that’s my brother Jimmy you’re thinking’ of.”

He: “. . . and you hit your ball with it and it’ll soar and soar.”

Me: “I can well believe that.”

He: “Then when your on the green . . .”

Me: “What’s the green thing?”

He: “Ah, thats where the hole is.”

Me: “You color blind?”

He: “No, why?”

He: “…anyway, when you get there, you take your Titleist Scotty Cameron California Monterrey putter…”

Me: “Whats a putter?”

He: “The smallest club made”

M: (DAMN that woman, just can’t keep her mouth shut).

He: “…and with it you put the ball in the hole.”

Me: “You mean the putter?”

He: “No, the ball, the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and the Titleist Scotty Cameron Studio Select Newport 2 Putter .”

Me: “Well – that’s when I knew he didn’t know what he was talkin’ about, because I’ve seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon.”

He: “Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17.”

Me: “I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I’m in the 18th one?”

He: “Why, the holes got a flag in it.”

Me: “Sheeez!”

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